Thursday, September 15, 2011
Moving blog to new site
From now on the blog will be on Tumblr because it's easier to use for an old man like me. From now on you can find "Zach Attach!" at pansdad.tumblr.com
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday Evening
Not a great day the morning and early afternoon were okay got some things down Olivia's car, went to T Mobile and go the phones taken care of, and then fell asleep on the couch. Olivia woke me up wanting the truck keys and I could not find them the next thing I know I am ranting and throwing a soda can, totally out of control. It was an out of body experience I knew I was doing it but it was like watching some one else. I left and got in the car and sped of not knowing were to go or what to do and feeling as though I was so insane I could never go home. I ended up talking with Rose an older rather earthy no bull shit lady that listen to rant and then handed me a card about a broken toy and God. She listen to and then I knew I could go back home.
I came back home and to be honest it was tense, but we talked and worked things out. This is going to be a difficult process for all of us. Grieving sucks, you want to be strong and think you are above all the nonsense but it just erupts like a volcano. Tonight I am trying to watch some TV first time since this all began. robin is at the store and all the girls are at Josh's house. I believe this is the first time I have been alone. I also had a long talk with an old friend of mine that I use to work with, it was good, he reminded me that I am a fixer that was my job and this time I can not do that and I am the one that will need fixed. He explained that he understands and we just talked no judgement he just let me ramble Thank you C.L. you are a true friend. Well a new episode of Modern Family is starting and I need to go veg. Take care Love to all
I came back home and to be honest it was tense, but we talked and worked things out. This is going to be a difficult process for all of us. Grieving sucks, you want to be strong and think you are above all the nonsense but it just erupts like a volcano. Tonight I am trying to watch some TV first time since this all began. robin is at the store and all the girls are at Josh's house. I believe this is the first time I have been alone. I also had a long talk with an old friend of mine that I use to work with, it was good, he reminded me that I am a fixer that was my job and this time I can not do that and I am the one that will need fixed. He explained that he understands and we just talked no judgement he just let me ramble Thank you C.L. you are a true friend. Well a new episode of Modern Family is starting and I need to go veg. Take care Love to all
wednesday morning
It is Wednesday morning. A started this blog for two reason one as a site to share the life of my son, and the other to honestly talk about what going through this experience is like. Today sucks. I received a message from a cousin that because of what has happened she is building a better relationship with her daughter, for this I am happy. But at the same time my core of my being is numb only to be interrupted by overwhelming sadness. As some of you know and if you did not will soon know I am a recovering alcoholic (over 30 years). When I was getting sober I was filled with such rage that I thought it would consume me. One of the steps of the program that I followed was to ask god to remove our the character defects that stood in the way of doing his will. First I tried to remove my defects my self through will power, utter failure, they just grew larger. Then I would pray that God would remove certain ones again failure. Then only after trying it my way, my patient and loving sponsor suggested we do it the way it was written. I finally agreed since as always I had tried every way imaginable to do it with out asking for help (I was always determine that I needed no one). My defects slowly lessened but my temper never left and that is the one that I hated and wanted removed the most. G (my sponsor) would remind me that God removes the ones that stand in the way of doing his will not the ones that make me uncomfortable, he explained that some times some one needs to loss their temper and God chose me.
I am not sure why I tell that story now God has mellowed my temper but I still pray that God use me to do his will. I do pray a lot, I am not a "Christian" in the sense that it is defined in today's society and I prefer to go right to the top.
I have more to say today and will probably get on later but I am closing for now.
I am not sure why I tell that story now God has mellowed my temper but I still pray that God use me to do his will. I do pray a lot, I am not a "Christian" in the sense that it is defined in today's society and I prefer to go right to the top.
I have more to say today and will probably get on later but I am closing for now.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday Evening
Dropped Olivia and Juliana off in Columbia, and then went to Rock Hill with Robin, Meghan and Lucas to sign Meghan out of school and bring her stuff home. I know it was the right decision for her and Winthrop could not have been more accommodating with the process. I just feel bad that what is suppose to one of the most exciting times of her life is one of the saddest. Life is so fickle, and I have learned that I am not all knowing and do not the future just saying I felt sad for Meghan. Lucas (Zach's) friend was such a big help.
When I came home I was not in the best frame of mind so Meg and I unpacked and then I went for a long walk. Walks are very therapeutic for me. I talked to Rose and Chuck friends in Pittsburgh while I walked and then ran into someone I work with at the hospital. He was on his way over with his two boys ( they are free spirits like my Zach). Still can not believe he is not here, get glimpses and my heart begins to ache, I guess God is still surrounding it in bubble wrap. More later Love Pan's Dad
When I came home I was not in the best frame of mind so Meg and I unpacked and then I went for a long walk. Walks are very therapeutic for me. I talked to Rose and Chuck friends in Pittsburgh while I walked and then ran into someone I work with at the hospital. He was on his way over with his two boys ( they are free spirits like my Zach). Still can not believe he is not here, get glimpses and my heart begins to ache, I guess God is still surrounding it in bubble wrap. More later Love Pan's Dad
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday world wind car gathering
Tomorrow at 7 AM Robin, Olivia, Meghan, Juliana, Chris, Lucas and I leave Charleston. Drop Olivia and Juliana off in Columbia, and then they continue to Augusta (Juliana's home), Olivia comes back to Columbia. Robin, Meghan Chris Lucas and I proceed to Rock Hill to pack up Meghan and bring her home. Chris and Meghan drive Meghan's car back. Then we go to Columbia to drop Lucas off to ride with Olivia and Robin and I drive back together. Poor Juliana will have to drive back alone after visiting with her family. Seems like a simple plan but oh the thought process it took to get this figure out. Next puzzle is beds and rooms but it will happen. Empty nest was not all it was cracked up to be, but need to find a place for each of us to be alone when needed.
Going to design and build a Zach meditation area in the back yard, already have a gift certificate from some friends to get it started.
On a more personal note stopped in at work, did really well until I saw one of my favorite instructors that now works on my unit, she hugged me and my heart melted.
Going to design and build a Zach meditation area in the back yard, already have a gift certificate from some friends to get it started.
On a more personal note stopped in at work, did really well until I saw one of my favorite instructors that now works on my unit, she hugged me and my heart melted.
from Lindsey
I got to the funeral home before everyone else on Thursday. Thom and the girls were with me but I asked them to stay in the car. I walked inside and asked the director to leave me alone for a minute, that no, I didn't want to wait for my parents to get there before I went inside. The casket was at the far end of the room, and even though I had chosen it, had sat down with my parents and the funeral director for hours the day before and hammered out all the details I knew they couldn't stand to handle, it really shocked me. I stood next to it and put my hands on the wood, around the handle. I read the note on the arrangement of wildflowers sitting on top "We love you too much! Mom, Dad, and the girls." Seeing it written there, a family joke that began with my daughter's inability to say the word "so," I dropped my purse and sat down on the ground next to the casket, putting my head against the wood, and I cried.
*
The funeral was wonderful. As wonderful as it could have been. My brother's friend Andrei played the piano, people wore jeans and t-shirts, polo shirts, anything but suits. We pointed out the people wearing suits because they weren't in the know...they were onlookers. We appreciated that they came, but it was easier to see, "Alright, this is a person I really need to talk to and this is someone whose hand I need to shake." All my brother's best friends spoke. I spoke and read "The Gate" by Marie Howe. My dad spoke and started to fall apart in the middle so I stood behind him and rubbed his back until he was finished. Juliana, my brother's girlfriend, did a rap song. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. My sister and I bought her a pair of citrine earrings, the first "real" jewelry I'd ever bought for anyone. She looked beautiful.
*
My brother's friend Eulie, whose bachelor party he had been attending over the weekend, got married last night. My dad wore my brother's tie and served as an usher. He had to take a lot of Klonopin to be able to make it through the service, and started swaying and took his shoes off. My brother's friend Thommy, who was with my brother at the last second and saw him fall over the cliff, somehow got a splinter of wood in his eye only an hour before the ceremony and was wearing an eye patch. The ceremony mentioned Zach plenty of times. It was unexpected, but it was nice. My family somehow managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. At the reception, Andrei gave a speech that included a joke about how KOP (their "gang" in school) had made a bet to see who could marry Cheryl Haynesworth first and now they owed Eulie their respect and their x-box games. He said he had to include that joke because he told it to my brother a couple months ago, and he had laughed. We all danced at the wedding. Everyone waited until we started it, like they were holding their breath, so my family did what my family does and we danced our asses off until people got up to join in. My brother's oldest friend, Kris, danced with every girl in my family. He pulled Juliana onto the grass while everyone was still eating and they danced just the two of them, really danced, and I was so thankful that my brother had been blessed with such wonderful friends.
*
it feels strange. I don't know what to do. One night (I honestly can't remember which night), Taylor, Meghan, and I went to a party with my brother's friends in the filthiest house to ever exist. I played beer pong (missing every single shot) and then went downstairs and listened to my brother's music. It was crazy because everyone who came downstairs knew all the words to all the songs and had an opinion on which was the best. He made so much music. It was pretty incredible. We played one song, called "The Apple of My Pie," at the end of the funeral over a slideshow Thom had stayed up working on for days. We wore yellow flowers in our hair because Zach had tried for months to convince Juliana that because he was colorblind, yellow was the only color he could see. A day or two ago, we got an email from the mother of one of Lucy's friends, who came to the funeral and said that after hearing how much Zach enjoyed his life and how many people he touched, she went home and quit the job she hated to stay home with her kids.
*
I cannot even begin to express how sorry I feel for people who didn't get the chance or take the time to know my brother well. I know everyone says this stuff after someone dies, but my Zach was one hell of a unique butterfly. As his friend Andrei said in his eulogy, "Everyone tends to deify the dead, but I promise we all deified Zach Jones every day to his face." He taught me so much about loving well, having fun, and keeping a sense of humor in all things. When we took Juliana to their apartment to get a few things Tuesday night, there were pink streamers and pink balloons all over the place, twinkle lights stapled to the ceiling above the bed so she would have something to look at when she was in bed with the flu, and a ton of love notes they left for each other every day before and after work. She didn't plant those, these didn't have time to make him look like a better guy than he was, that was just what their home looked like all the time. Evidence of his love for her all over the place. He didn't spend his time getting a degree or working overtime at a job he hate or gossiping or arguing. He made just enough money to do the things he loved with the people he loved and then he did those things with all his heart. His death has taught me something really important, which I have promised my kids I will try to incorporate into my life as much as I can: life is for fun. It's not worth it to walk about being angry at God, angry at people, angry at the world in general. And it's definitely not worth it to be angry at your kids for coloring on the walls, or to stay inside all day moping about the past instead of playing freeze tag and hokey pokey in the front yard, or to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and remorse for things that don't even matter in the long run. I have played with my kids more this week than I had in the previous month. I have smiled more, though I have definitely cried more, too. I have given more hugs. I have forgiven more people. I have become more fully alive. I thank Zach for that.
*
The funeral was wonderful. As wonderful as it could have been. My brother's friend Andrei played the piano, people wore jeans and t-shirts, polo shirts, anything but suits. We pointed out the people wearing suits because they weren't in the know...they were onlookers. We appreciated that they came, but it was easier to see, "Alright, this is a person I really need to talk to and this is someone whose hand I need to shake." All my brother's best friends spoke. I spoke and read "The Gate" by Marie Howe. My dad spoke and started to fall apart in the middle so I stood behind him and rubbed his back until he was finished. Juliana, my brother's girlfriend, did a rap song. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. My sister and I bought her a pair of citrine earrings, the first "real" jewelry I'd ever bought for anyone. She looked beautiful.
*
My brother's friend Eulie, whose bachelor party he had been attending over the weekend, got married last night. My dad wore my brother's tie and served as an usher. He had to take a lot of Klonopin to be able to make it through the service, and started swaying and took his shoes off. My brother's friend Thommy, who was with my brother at the last second and saw him fall over the cliff, somehow got a splinter of wood in his eye only an hour before the ceremony and was wearing an eye patch. The ceremony mentioned Zach plenty of times. It was unexpected, but it was nice. My family somehow managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. At the reception, Andrei gave a speech that included a joke about how KOP (their "gang" in school) had made a bet to see who could marry Cheryl Haynesworth first and now they owed Eulie their respect and their x-box games. He said he had to include that joke because he told it to my brother a couple months ago, and he had laughed. We all danced at the wedding. Everyone waited until we started it, like they were holding their breath, so my family did what my family does and we danced our asses off until people got up to join in. My brother's oldest friend, Kris, danced with every girl in my family. He pulled Juliana onto the grass while everyone was still eating and they danced just the two of them, really danced, and I was so thankful that my brother had been blessed with such wonderful friends.
*
it feels strange. I don't know what to do. One night (I honestly can't remember which night), Taylor, Meghan, and I went to a party with my brother's friends in the filthiest house to ever exist. I played beer pong (missing every single shot) and then went downstairs and listened to my brother's music. It was crazy because everyone who came downstairs knew all the words to all the songs and had an opinion on which was the best. He made so much music. It was pretty incredible. We played one song, called "The Apple of My Pie," at the end of the funeral over a slideshow Thom had stayed up working on for days. We wore yellow flowers in our hair because Zach had tried for months to convince Juliana that because he was colorblind, yellow was the only color he could see. A day or two ago, we got an email from the mother of one of Lucy's friends, who came to the funeral and said that after hearing how much Zach enjoyed his life and how many people he touched, she went home and quit the job she hated to stay home with her kids.
*
I cannot even begin to express how sorry I feel for people who didn't get the chance or take the time to know my brother well. I know everyone says this stuff after someone dies, but my Zach was one hell of a unique butterfly. As his friend Andrei said in his eulogy, "Everyone tends to deify the dead, but I promise we all deified Zach Jones every day to his face." He taught me so much about loving well, having fun, and keeping a sense of humor in all things. When we took Juliana to their apartment to get a few things Tuesday night, there were pink streamers and pink balloons all over the place, twinkle lights stapled to the ceiling above the bed so she would have something to look at when she was in bed with the flu, and a ton of love notes they left for each other every day before and after work. She didn't plant those, these didn't have time to make him look like a better guy than he was, that was just what their home looked like all the time. Evidence of his love for her all over the place. He didn't spend his time getting a degree or working overtime at a job he hate or gossiping or arguing. He made just enough money to do the things he loved with the people he loved and then he did those things with all his heart. His death has taught me something really important, which I have promised my kids I will try to incorporate into my life as much as I can: life is for fun. It's not worth it to walk about being angry at God, angry at people, angry at the world in general. And it's definitely not worth it to be angry at your kids for coloring on the walls, or to stay inside all day moping about the past instead of playing freeze tag and hokey pokey in the front yard, or to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and remorse for things that don't even matter in the long run. I have played with my kids more this week than I had in the previous month. I have smiled more, though I have definitely cried more, too. I have given more hugs. I have forgiven more people. I have become more fully alive. I thank Zach for that.
Monday first day of semi normal life
Today I took care of some the more mundane things like calling about bills and canceling things. People came over this morning to talk and I am just not ready to make small talk and hear about day to day problems that other people are having. I just want to scream dont you get it, dont you understand how trival this is. My son is gone and you are talking about work and how to get to the airport when you go to London. You are talking about how to discipline children and all I want to do is hug mine.
Best part is being with my girls and Robin and the long walk I had with Juliana discussing the way Zach saw the world. I am so blessed that she has decided to stay with us for awhile so I can learn so much more about the person that is Zach. I make myself walk and go outside it does my heart good.
I want to go out in the yard and build a place to sit and be close to him, not just for me but for Lucy and Juliana. I talked to the people in North Carolina and how I want to do something to not just honor Zach but to make try and prevent this form happening again even if it is just one person. Oh God I miss you baby boy but I will strive to live as you believed "that life is an adventure lets go live it".
Best part is being with my girls and Robin and the long walk I had with Juliana discussing the way Zach saw the world. I am so blessed that she has decided to stay with us for awhile so I can learn so much more about the person that is Zach. I make myself walk and go outside it does my heart good.
I want to go out in the yard and build a place to sit and be close to him, not just for me but for Lucy and Juliana. I talked to the people in North Carolina and how I want to do something to not just honor Zach but to make try and prevent this form happening again even if it is just one person. Oh God I miss you baby boy but I will strive to live as you believed "that life is an adventure lets go live it".
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