Thursday, September 15, 2011
Moving blog to new site
From now on the blog will be on Tumblr because it's easier to use for an old man like me. From now on you can find "Zach Attach!" at pansdad.tumblr.com
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Wednesday Evening
Not a great day the morning and early afternoon were okay got some things down Olivia's car, went to T Mobile and go the phones taken care of, and then fell asleep on the couch. Olivia woke me up wanting the truck keys and I could not find them the next thing I know I am ranting and throwing a soda can, totally out of control. It was an out of body experience I knew I was doing it but it was like watching some one else. I left and got in the car and sped of not knowing were to go or what to do and feeling as though I was so insane I could never go home. I ended up talking with Rose an older rather earthy no bull shit lady that listen to rant and then handed me a card about a broken toy and God. She listen to and then I knew I could go back home.
I came back home and to be honest it was tense, but we talked and worked things out. This is going to be a difficult process for all of us. Grieving sucks, you want to be strong and think you are above all the nonsense but it just erupts like a volcano. Tonight I am trying to watch some TV first time since this all began. robin is at the store and all the girls are at Josh's house. I believe this is the first time I have been alone. I also had a long talk with an old friend of mine that I use to work with, it was good, he reminded me that I am a fixer that was my job and this time I can not do that and I am the one that will need fixed. He explained that he understands and we just talked no judgement he just let me ramble Thank you C.L. you are a true friend. Well a new episode of Modern Family is starting and I need to go veg. Take care Love to all
I came back home and to be honest it was tense, but we talked and worked things out. This is going to be a difficult process for all of us. Grieving sucks, you want to be strong and think you are above all the nonsense but it just erupts like a volcano. Tonight I am trying to watch some TV first time since this all began. robin is at the store and all the girls are at Josh's house. I believe this is the first time I have been alone. I also had a long talk with an old friend of mine that I use to work with, it was good, he reminded me that I am a fixer that was my job and this time I can not do that and I am the one that will need fixed. He explained that he understands and we just talked no judgement he just let me ramble Thank you C.L. you are a true friend. Well a new episode of Modern Family is starting and I need to go veg. Take care Love to all
wednesday morning
It is Wednesday morning. A started this blog for two reason one as a site to share the life of my son, and the other to honestly talk about what going through this experience is like. Today sucks. I received a message from a cousin that because of what has happened she is building a better relationship with her daughter, for this I am happy. But at the same time my core of my being is numb only to be interrupted by overwhelming sadness. As some of you know and if you did not will soon know I am a recovering alcoholic (over 30 years). When I was getting sober I was filled with such rage that I thought it would consume me. One of the steps of the program that I followed was to ask god to remove our the character defects that stood in the way of doing his will. First I tried to remove my defects my self through will power, utter failure, they just grew larger. Then I would pray that God would remove certain ones again failure. Then only after trying it my way, my patient and loving sponsor suggested we do it the way it was written. I finally agreed since as always I had tried every way imaginable to do it with out asking for help (I was always determine that I needed no one). My defects slowly lessened but my temper never left and that is the one that I hated and wanted removed the most. G (my sponsor) would remind me that God removes the ones that stand in the way of doing his will not the ones that make me uncomfortable, he explained that some times some one needs to loss their temper and God chose me.
I am not sure why I tell that story now God has mellowed my temper but I still pray that God use me to do his will. I do pray a lot, I am not a "Christian" in the sense that it is defined in today's society and I prefer to go right to the top.
I have more to say today and will probably get on later but I am closing for now.
I am not sure why I tell that story now God has mellowed my temper but I still pray that God use me to do his will. I do pray a lot, I am not a "Christian" in the sense that it is defined in today's society and I prefer to go right to the top.
I have more to say today and will probably get on later but I am closing for now.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday Evening
Dropped Olivia and Juliana off in Columbia, and then went to Rock Hill with Robin, Meghan and Lucas to sign Meghan out of school and bring her stuff home. I know it was the right decision for her and Winthrop could not have been more accommodating with the process. I just feel bad that what is suppose to one of the most exciting times of her life is one of the saddest. Life is so fickle, and I have learned that I am not all knowing and do not the future just saying I felt sad for Meghan. Lucas (Zach's) friend was such a big help.
When I came home I was not in the best frame of mind so Meg and I unpacked and then I went for a long walk. Walks are very therapeutic for me. I talked to Rose and Chuck friends in Pittsburgh while I walked and then ran into someone I work with at the hospital. He was on his way over with his two boys ( they are free spirits like my Zach). Still can not believe he is not here, get glimpses and my heart begins to ache, I guess God is still surrounding it in bubble wrap. More later Love Pan's Dad
When I came home I was not in the best frame of mind so Meg and I unpacked and then I went for a long walk. Walks are very therapeutic for me. I talked to Rose and Chuck friends in Pittsburgh while I walked and then ran into someone I work with at the hospital. He was on his way over with his two boys ( they are free spirits like my Zach). Still can not believe he is not here, get glimpses and my heart begins to ache, I guess God is still surrounding it in bubble wrap. More later Love Pan's Dad
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday world wind car gathering
Tomorrow at 7 AM Robin, Olivia, Meghan, Juliana, Chris, Lucas and I leave Charleston. Drop Olivia and Juliana off in Columbia, and then they continue to Augusta (Juliana's home), Olivia comes back to Columbia. Robin, Meghan Chris Lucas and I proceed to Rock Hill to pack up Meghan and bring her home. Chris and Meghan drive Meghan's car back. Then we go to Columbia to drop Lucas off to ride with Olivia and Robin and I drive back together. Poor Juliana will have to drive back alone after visiting with her family. Seems like a simple plan but oh the thought process it took to get this figure out. Next puzzle is beds and rooms but it will happen. Empty nest was not all it was cracked up to be, but need to find a place for each of us to be alone when needed.
Going to design and build a Zach meditation area in the back yard, already have a gift certificate from some friends to get it started.
On a more personal note stopped in at work, did really well until I saw one of my favorite instructors that now works on my unit, she hugged me and my heart melted.
Going to design and build a Zach meditation area in the back yard, already have a gift certificate from some friends to get it started.
On a more personal note stopped in at work, did really well until I saw one of my favorite instructors that now works on my unit, she hugged me and my heart melted.
from Lindsey
I got to the funeral home before everyone else on Thursday. Thom and the girls were with me but I asked them to stay in the car. I walked inside and asked the director to leave me alone for a minute, that no, I didn't want to wait for my parents to get there before I went inside. The casket was at the far end of the room, and even though I had chosen it, had sat down with my parents and the funeral director for hours the day before and hammered out all the details I knew they couldn't stand to handle, it really shocked me. I stood next to it and put my hands on the wood, around the handle. I read the note on the arrangement of wildflowers sitting on top "We love you too much! Mom, Dad, and the girls." Seeing it written there, a family joke that began with my daughter's inability to say the word "so," I dropped my purse and sat down on the ground next to the casket, putting my head against the wood, and I cried.
*
The funeral was wonderful. As wonderful as it could have been. My brother's friend Andrei played the piano, people wore jeans and t-shirts, polo shirts, anything but suits. We pointed out the people wearing suits because they weren't in the know...they were onlookers. We appreciated that they came, but it was easier to see, "Alright, this is a person I really need to talk to and this is someone whose hand I need to shake." All my brother's best friends spoke. I spoke and read "The Gate" by Marie Howe. My dad spoke and started to fall apart in the middle so I stood behind him and rubbed his back until he was finished. Juliana, my brother's girlfriend, did a rap song. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. My sister and I bought her a pair of citrine earrings, the first "real" jewelry I'd ever bought for anyone. She looked beautiful.
*
My brother's friend Eulie, whose bachelor party he had been attending over the weekend, got married last night. My dad wore my brother's tie and served as an usher. He had to take a lot of Klonopin to be able to make it through the service, and started swaying and took his shoes off. My brother's friend Thommy, who was with my brother at the last second and saw him fall over the cliff, somehow got a splinter of wood in his eye only an hour before the ceremony and was wearing an eye patch. The ceremony mentioned Zach plenty of times. It was unexpected, but it was nice. My family somehow managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. At the reception, Andrei gave a speech that included a joke about how KOP (their "gang" in school) had made a bet to see who could marry Cheryl Haynesworth first and now they owed Eulie their respect and their x-box games. He said he had to include that joke because he told it to my brother a couple months ago, and he had laughed. We all danced at the wedding. Everyone waited until we started it, like they were holding their breath, so my family did what my family does and we danced our asses off until people got up to join in. My brother's oldest friend, Kris, danced with every girl in my family. He pulled Juliana onto the grass while everyone was still eating and they danced just the two of them, really danced, and I was so thankful that my brother had been blessed with such wonderful friends.
*
it feels strange. I don't know what to do. One night (I honestly can't remember which night), Taylor, Meghan, and I went to a party with my brother's friends in the filthiest house to ever exist. I played beer pong (missing every single shot) and then went downstairs and listened to my brother's music. It was crazy because everyone who came downstairs knew all the words to all the songs and had an opinion on which was the best. He made so much music. It was pretty incredible. We played one song, called "The Apple of My Pie," at the end of the funeral over a slideshow Thom had stayed up working on for days. We wore yellow flowers in our hair because Zach had tried for months to convince Juliana that because he was colorblind, yellow was the only color he could see. A day or two ago, we got an email from the mother of one of Lucy's friends, who came to the funeral and said that after hearing how much Zach enjoyed his life and how many people he touched, she went home and quit the job she hated to stay home with her kids.
*
I cannot even begin to express how sorry I feel for people who didn't get the chance or take the time to know my brother well. I know everyone says this stuff after someone dies, but my Zach was one hell of a unique butterfly. As his friend Andrei said in his eulogy, "Everyone tends to deify the dead, but I promise we all deified Zach Jones every day to his face." He taught me so much about loving well, having fun, and keeping a sense of humor in all things. When we took Juliana to their apartment to get a few things Tuesday night, there were pink streamers and pink balloons all over the place, twinkle lights stapled to the ceiling above the bed so she would have something to look at when she was in bed with the flu, and a ton of love notes they left for each other every day before and after work. She didn't plant those, these didn't have time to make him look like a better guy than he was, that was just what their home looked like all the time. Evidence of his love for her all over the place. He didn't spend his time getting a degree or working overtime at a job he hate or gossiping or arguing. He made just enough money to do the things he loved with the people he loved and then he did those things with all his heart. His death has taught me something really important, which I have promised my kids I will try to incorporate into my life as much as I can: life is for fun. It's not worth it to walk about being angry at God, angry at people, angry at the world in general. And it's definitely not worth it to be angry at your kids for coloring on the walls, or to stay inside all day moping about the past instead of playing freeze tag and hokey pokey in the front yard, or to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and remorse for things that don't even matter in the long run. I have played with my kids more this week than I had in the previous month. I have smiled more, though I have definitely cried more, too. I have given more hugs. I have forgiven more people. I have become more fully alive. I thank Zach for that.
*
The funeral was wonderful. As wonderful as it could have been. My brother's friend Andrei played the piano, people wore jeans and t-shirts, polo shirts, anything but suits. We pointed out the people wearing suits because they weren't in the know...they were onlookers. We appreciated that they came, but it was easier to see, "Alright, this is a person I really need to talk to and this is someone whose hand I need to shake." All my brother's best friends spoke. I spoke and read "The Gate" by Marie Howe. My dad spoke and started to fall apart in the middle so I stood behind him and rubbed his back until he was finished. Juliana, my brother's girlfriend, did a rap song. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. My sister and I bought her a pair of citrine earrings, the first "real" jewelry I'd ever bought for anyone. She looked beautiful.
*
My brother's friend Eulie, whose bachelor party he had been attending over the weekend, got married last night. My dad wore my brother's tie and served as an usher. He had to take a lot of Klonopin to be able to make it through the service, and started swaying and took his shoes off. My brother's friend Thommy, who was with my brother at the last second and saw him fall over the cliff, somehow got a splinter of wood in his eye only an hour before the ceremony and was wearing an eye patch. The ceremony mentioned Zach plenty of times. It was unexpected, but it was nice. My family somehow managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. At the reception, Andrei gave a speech that included a joke about how KOP (their "gang" in school) had made a bet to see who could marry Cheryl Haynesworth first and now they owed Eulie their respect and their x-box games. He said he had to include that joke because he told it to my brother a couple months ago, and he had laughed. We all danced at the wedding. Everyone waited until we started it, like they were holding their breath, so my family did what my family does and we danced our asses off until people got up to join in. My brother's oldest friend, Kris, danced with every girl in my family. He pulled Juliana onto the grass while everyone was still eating and they danced just the two of them, really danced, and I was so thankful that my brother had been blessed with such wonderful friends.
*
it feels strange. I don't know what to do. One night (I honestly can't remember which night), Taylor, Meghan, and I went to a party with my brother's friends in the filthiest house to ever exist. I played beer pong (missing every single shot) and then went downstairs and listened to my brother's music. It was crazy because everyone who came downstairs knew all the words to all the songs and had an opinion on which was the best. He made so much music. It was pretty incredible. We played one song, called "The Apple of My Pie," at the end of the funeral over a slideshow Thom had stayed up working on for days. We wore yellow flowers in our hair because Zach had tried for months to convince Juliana that because he was colorblind, yellow was the only color he could see. A day or two ago, we got an email from the mother of one of Lucy's friends, who came to the funeral and said that after hearing how much Zach enjoyed his life and how many people he touched, she went home and quit the job she hated to stay home with her kids.
*
I cannot even begin to express how sorry I feel for people who didn't get the chance or take the time to know my brother well. I know everyone says this stuff after someone dies, but my Zach was one hell of a unique butterfly. As his friend Andrei said in his eulogy, "Everyone tends to deify the dead, but I promise we all deified Zach Jones every day to his face." He taught me so much about loving well, having fun, and keeping a sense of humor in all things. When we took Juliana to their apartment to get a few things Tuesday night, there were pink streamers and pink balloons all over the place, twinkle lights stapled to the ceiling above the bed so she would have something to look at when she was in bed with the flu, and a ton of love notes they left for each other every day before and after work. She didn't plant those, these didn't have time to make him look like a better guy than he was, that was just what their home looked like all the time. Evidence of his love for her all over the place. He didn't spend his time getting a degree or working overtime at a job he hate or gossiping or arguing. He made just enough money to do the things he loved with the people he loved and then he did those things with all his heart. His death has taught me something really important, which I have promised my kids I will try to incorporate into my life as much as I can: life is for fun. It's not worth it to walk about being angry at God, angry at people, angry at the world in general. And it's definitely not worth it to be angry at your kids for coloring on the walls, or to stay inside all day moping about the past instead of playing freeze tag and hokey pokey in the front yard, or to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and remorse for things that don't even matter in the long run. I have played with my kids more this week than I had in the previous month. I have smiled more, though I have definitely cried more, too. I have given more hugs. I have forgiven more people. I have become more fully alive. I thank Zach for that.
Monday first day of semi normal life
Today I took care of some the more mundane things like calling about bills and canceling things. People came over this morning to talk and I am just not ready to make small talk and hear about day to day problems that other people are having. I just want to scream dont you get it, dont you understand how trival this is. My son is gone and you are talking about work and how to get to the airport when you go to London. You are talking about how to discipline children and all I want to do is hug mine.
Best part is being with my girls and Robin and the long walk I had with Juliana discussing the way Zach saw the world. I am so blessed that she has decided to stay with us for awhile so I can learn so much more about the person that is Zach. I make myself walk and go outside it does my heart good.
I want to go out in the yard and build a place to sit and be close to him, not just for me but for Lucy and Juliana. I talked to the people in North Carolina and how I want to do something to not just honor Zach but to make try and prevent this form happening again even if it is just one person. Oh God I miss you baby boy but I will strive to live as you believed "that life is an adventure lets go live it".
Best part is being with my girls and Robin and the long walk I had with Juliana discussing the way Zach saw the world. I am so blessed that she has decided to stay with us for awhile so I can learn so much more about the person that is Zach. I make myself walk and go outside it does my heart good.
I want to go out in the yard and build a place to sit and be close to him, not just for me but for Lucy and Juliana. I talked to the people in North Carolina and how I want to do something to not just honor Zach but to make try and prevent this form happening again even if it is just one person. Oh God I miss you baby boy but I will strive to live as you believed "that life is an adventure lets go live it".
Macy's thoughts
Zach Jones you inspire me to have fun, to smile as much as possible, and to laugh harder everyday...Thank you for always entertaining yourself and in the process entertaining us all and giving us some of the best memories of our lives. ♥
Zach's formal Biography
Zachary Joseph Jones
December 16, 1987 - September 3, 2011
Biography
Facts
Born: December 16, 1987Place of Birth: Pittsburgh, PA
Death: September 3, 2011
Place of Death: Brevard, NC
Services
Afternoon Visitation
Wednesday September 7, 2011, 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM at James A. McAlister Funeral HomeClick for Map and Directions
Evening Visitation
Wednesday September 7, 2011, 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM at James A. McAlister Funeral HomeBen Hutchinson tribute
Nocturne in Red and Bold
My name is Ben. As an English major, I feel this is expected of me.
Zach Jones
My friend Zach Jones died yesterday, September 3rd. He was my best friend. He was everyone’s best friend. Everyone knew they could count on Zach Jones to make them laugh and make them feel loved.In my chronic cynicism, I’ve always thought that people were made out to be more than they were at their funerals. Everyone remembered the best, etc., etc. But goddamn, Zach Jones was the real deal. Everything I’m going to say about him is absolutely true and anyone who knew him would agree. He was the most amazing person in all of our lives.
Zach was the funniest person I ever knew. He could always make me laugh. He was impressively funny. He could make anyone he met laugh. I can’t remember anyone who didn’t think Zach was funny within 5 minutes of meeting him. Everyone who met Zach Jones knew he was hilarious.
Zach was also an amazingly talented artist. Everything Zach did impressed me. There have been times in my life where I would listen to Zach Jones songs more than any other artist’s. I would listen to Zach’s songs over and over again, and with each listen, I was further convinced that Zach’s songs should be on the radio. I wanted everyone to hear his songs because they were so fun and smart and joyful. Zach had a fully realized artistic voice that you could see in everything he did. You could tell Zach had written a song just by listening to it.
Sometimes in Athens I would listen to a Zach Jones song just to feel like I was hanging out with him. At my most despondent in Athens, when I felt angry at the school and angry at myself for going there, when I would swear I should move back to Charleston and should have never left, I would invariably say something to the effect of:
“And Athens doesn’t have anyone near as cool as Zach Jones. Everyone in Athens sucks shit compared to Zach.”
Zach was an accomplished rapper, a gifted lyricist and a fantastic frontman for Italian Cuisine. He was good at everything he did, and he was always able to express himself so clearly. You could feel Zach Jones in everything he made. Even his drawings were impressive. Everything he drew made me laugh or made me stop and think.
Everyone who met Zach Jones loved him. You could hang out with Zach Jones one time and remember it forever. I feel so lucky to have spent as much time with him as I did, because I was able to experience the unique joy of being around him more than most people. I hung out with Zach more times than I can count, and I am so lucky to have done so.
Every time I hung out with Zach was one of the most fun times I’ve had in my life. I had so much fun every time I hung out with him. He made every moment memorable. In high school, I would become giddy at the prospect of spending time with him because I knew that, whatever we did, we would have an amazing time. I would look forward to seeing Zach in the halls each day between classes. Seeing Zach even for a few minutes was always the highlight of my day in high school.
Zach Jones was a wonderful friend. He would always go to bat for you if it came to it. He would always go along with whatever idea you had even if it was kinda stupid, and he would make it fun. He made everything fun. He would save a joke if it wasn’t that funny, and make you seem funnier in the process.
He loved to laugh. He loved to have fun. He loved to play.
I will never forget my friend Zach Jones. I love him and miss him a great deal, but he left me with more memories of good times than anyone could have asked for, and for that I am truly grateful.
Zach Jones was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. He will remain in the hearts and minds of everyone he knew for the rest of their lives.
Goodbye Zach. I can’t believe you’re gone. I love you.
Editoral by my son-inlaw
Web comments If I were to fail to sign this letter, the chance that it would appear in print is probably very near zero. And yet, every day, the growing segment of Lowcountry residents who rely on The Post and Courier's web edition are greeted by an endless stream of anonymous commentary on nearly every article they view. In what appears to be an overwhelming majority of cases, these comments provide no new information or insight for the reader, but rather serve as an opportunity to spread the uninformed opinion of the unknown commenter. At best, this is a nuisance and a distraction from your newspaper's reporting. At worst, your website is indiscriminately providing a platform in quasi-official context for the dissemination of vicious, ad hominem attacks and speculative assaults on the character of the individuals appearing in your stories. Apparently, the sources of such comments are individuals who neither know the individual in question nor have any involvement in the events of the story, but, of course, their anonymity precludes verification. When the affected articles include reports of tragedy and suffering and are inevitably viewed by those close to the stories, this unnecessary distraction can become a source of heightened grief and despair. For the Lowcountry's most important source of news to provide alongside its coverage an opportunity to anonymously ridicule, insult and potentially seriously harm local residents only damages the community and diminishes the reputation of your institution. If The Post and Courier lacks the manpower or will to effectively moderate discussions on local news articles, it should not host them at all. Thomas J. Rowell Maranda Holmes Street Charleston
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sunday 9/11/2011
First I want us all to stop and remember this event changing day 10 years ago. I remember I was at work and just kept saying this is a joke it cant be for real.
Eulie's and Cheryl's wedding was beautiful and I was so happy for them, the food was delicious. I danced but my feet tried but my heart was not into it. Not in a bad way I just could not let lose (maybe the medication), but it was joyous and the minister did an excellent job of incorporating Zach's memory into the ceremony. Robin and I left and the girls stayed which is as it should be. Today has been a little rougher than yesterday. The wall that God has built around my heart to protect me is slowly being chipped away and the realization that Zach is not just away but is not coming back is slowly becoming a reality.
It is so weird to be able to say and think these things but not to be able to feel it yet. It is like my heart has been injected with Novocaine. I listened to his music some more today and it does bring me comfort. I decided on a tattoo and just have to decide where to have it placed.
Lucy (my oldest daughter (Lindsey) daughter) is having a hard time understanding all of this, she made a life size paper cut out yesterday. I am thinking that we may go and find a statue for the yard that will be the Zach place where we can go and remember and where we can leave flowers. That way if we move he can always come with us.
I do continue to cry at times and probably will for a long time but I always come back to the thought that Zach was about love and laughter and the ultimate pursuit of an adventure. I am going to post one of my favorite pictures of Zach and then close for now.
Eulie's and Cheryl's wedding was beautiful and I was so happy for them, the food was delicious. I danced but my feet tried but my heart was not into it. Not in a bad way I just could not let lose (maybe the medication), but it was joyous and the minister did an excellent job of incorporating Zach's memory into the ceremony. Robin and I left and the girls stayed which is as it should be. Today has been a little rougher than yesterday. The wall that God has built around my heart to protect me is slowly being chipped away and the realization that Zach is not just away but is not coming back is slowly becoming a reality.
It is so weird to be able to say and think these things but not to be able to feel it yet. It is like my heart has been injected with Novocaine. I listened to his music some more today and it does bring me comfort. I decided on a tattoo and just have to decide where to have it placed.
Lucy (my oldest daughter (Lindsey) daughter) is having a hard time understanding all of this, she made a life size paper cut out yesterday. I am thinking that we may go and find a statue for the yard that will be the Zach place where we can go and remember and where we can leave flowers. That way if we move he can always come with us.
I do continue to cry at times and probably will for a long time but I always come back to the thought that Zach was about love and laughter and the ultimate pursuit of an adventure. I am going to post one of my favorite pictures of Zach and then close for now.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Today 9/10/2011
This is the first day of my blog. I had and continue to have the honor to be the Dad of Zach Jones. One week ago today my life changed, some say for the worst but I will not except this. To do that would be the biggest punch in the stomach that I could ever do to my baby boy. One think I need to explain is Zach was 6'4" , 23 years old and larger in life, but at times he was and always will be my "baby boy". I started this blog to not only write my thoughts but to also record the thoughts and feelings of other people that knew him. If you see a post of something that you send us and want it removed please let me know and I will take it off. Have to get ready for a wedding today so I will write more later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)