from Lindsey

I got to the funeral home before everyone else on Thursday. Thom and the girls were with me but I asked them to stay in the car. I walked inside and asked the director to leave me alone for a minute, that no, I didn't want to wait for my parents to get there before I went inside. The casket was at the far end of the room, and even though I had chosen it, had sat down with my parents and the funeral director for hours the day before and hammered out all the details I knew they couldn't stand to handle, it really shocked me. I stood next to it and put my hands on the wood, around the handle. I read the note on the arrangement of wildflowers sitting on top "We love you too much! Mom, Dad, and the girls." Seeing it written there, a family joke that began with my daughter's inability to say the word "so," I dropped my purse and sat down on the ground next to the casket, putting my head against the wood, and I cried.

*

The funeral was wonderful. As wonderful as it could have been. My brother's friend Andrei played the piano, people wore jeans and t-shirts, polo shirts, anything but suits. We pointed out the people wearing suits because they weren't in the know...they were onlookers. We appreciated that they came, but it was easier to see, "Alright, this is a person I really need to talk to and this is someone whose hand I need to shake." All my brother's best friends spoke. I spoke and read "The Gate" by Marie Howe. My dad spoke and started to fall apart in the middle so I stood behind him and rubbed his back until he was finished. Juliana, my brother's girlfriend, did a rap song. She wore a beautiful yellow dress. My sister and I bought her a pair of citrine earrings, the first "real" jewelry I'd ever bought for anyone. She looked beautiful.

*

My brother's friend Eulie, whose bachelor party he had been attending over the weekend, got married last night. My dad wore my brother's tie and served as an usher. He had to take a lot of Klonopin to be able to make it through the service, and started swaying and took his shoes off. My brother's friend Thommy, who was with my brother at the last second and saw him fall over the cliff, somehow got a splinter of wood in his eye only an hour before the ceremony and was wearing an eye patch. The ceremony mentioned Zach plenty of times. It was unexpected, but it was nice. My family somehow managed to make it through the ceremony without crying. At the reception, Andrei gave a speech that included a joke about how KOP (their "gang" in school) had made a bet to see who could marry Cheryl Haynesworth first and now they owed Eulie their respect and their x-box games. He said he had to include that joke because he told it to my brother a couple months ago, and he had laughed. We all danced at the wedding. Everyone waited until we started it, like they were holding their breath, so my family did what my family does and we danced our asses off until people got up to join in. My brother's oldest friend, Kris, danced with every girl in my family. He pulled Juliana onto the grass while everyone was still eating and they danced just the two of them, really danced, and I was so thankful that my brother had been blessed with such wonderful friends.

*

it feels strange. I don't know what to do. One night (I honestly can't remember which night), Taylor, Meghan, and I went to a party with my brother's friends in the filthiest house to ever exist. I played beer pong (missing every single shot) and then went downstairs and listened to my brother's music. It was crazy because everyone who came downstairs knew all the words to all the songs and had an opinion on which was the best. He made so much music. It was pretty incredible. We played one song, called "The Apple of My Pie," at the end of the funeral over a slideshow Thom had stayed up working on for days. We wore yellow flowers in our hair because Zach had tried for months to convince Juliana that because he was colorblind, yellow was the only color he could see. A day or two ago, we got an email from the mother of one of Lucy's friends, who came to the funeral and said that after hearing how much Zach enjoyed his life and how many people he touched, she went home and quit the job she hated to stay home with her kids.

*

I cannot even begin to express how sorry I feel for people who didn't get the chance or take the time to know my brother well. I know everyone says this stuff after someone dies, but my Zach was one hell of a unique butterfly. As his friend Andrei said in his eulogy, "Everyone tends to deify the dead, but I promise we all deified Zach Jones every day to his face." He taught me so much about loving well, having fun, and keeping a sense of humor in all things. When we took Juliana to their apartment to get a few things Tuesday night, there were pink streamers and pink balloons all over the place, twinkle lights stapled to the ceiling above the bed so she would have something to look at when she was in bed with the flu, and a ton of love notes they left for each other every day before and after work. She didn't plant those, these didn't have time to make him look like a better guy than he was, that was just what their home looked like all the time. Evidence of his love for her all over the place. He didn't spend his time getting a degree or working overtime at a job he hate or gossiping or arguing. He made just enough money to do the things he loved with the people he loved and then he did those things with all his heart. His death has taught me something really important, which I have promised my kids I will try to incorporate into my life as much as I can: life is for fun. It's not worth it to walk about being angry at God, angry at people, angry at the world in general. And it's definitely not worth it to be angry at your kids for coloring on the walls, or to stay inside all day moping about the past instead of playing freeze tag and hokey pokey in the front yard, or to torture yourself with feelings of guilt and remorse for things that don't even matter in the long run. I have played with my kids more this week than I had in the previous month. I have smiled more, though I have definitely cried more, too. I have given more hugs. I have forgiven more people. I have become more fully alive. I thank Zach for that.